What has 19 cupholders, smells like dogs and sounds like Melissa Etheridge?

Subaru's new Ascent of course. See that bandwagon go by? A proud maker of 4x4 wagons since cunnilingus was invented, Subaru has finally released a totally generic looking 3 row SUV. Queue hearty lesbian applause. According to Subaru, it can haul 5,000lbs of sturdy hiking footwear and up to 8 average sized lesbians. Other than that there's nothing notable about it. 

Other Subaru SUV's included the Tribeca, which was specifically designed for upper middle class white women questioning their sexual orientation.  Unfortunately that wasn't  a huge market and Subaru stopped production in 2014. They continue to infest our roads with the Forester aka Chodeback (looks to me like a stubby Outback.)

Subaru must really think the Ascent is something special to enter into the cut-throat SUV market in which pretty much every other car marker has a competitor. Maybe the cupholders hold strap-ons as well?